Red Dead Re-view

You like what I did up there? Clever, right? Cause, you know, the first game was Red Dead Revolver, and the next game was Red Dead Redemption, and the ending words start with the letters "Re". Oh man, I am so clever. I am also on the internet. Therefore, Comedy Central should hire me to replace Tosh from Tosh.0

Okay, so I may be five years behind everything that has happened on the internet, my writers are horrible, my comedic delivery is awful, I'm ugly, but at least...I dunno. I got nothin'.

So, as you might have guessed, I am here today to talk to you about the best videogames based on the wild wild west to ever come out. Not the Will Smith movie Wild Wild West mind you, though if you thought the Red Dead games were based on that movie I would ask you where was the giant spider machine battle hmmm? Cause that would be the only re-deeming quality to a game based on that movie. I would also ask how you are reading this, because I would imagine the force must be strong with you, and by force I mean re-tard.

Luke, why aren't you wearing your safety helmet?

I am here to tell you about a game that has such a masterful storyline that, were it a movie starring Clint Eastwood, it would be the best spaghetti western ever. Fun fact, the name spaghetti western is given to a number of western films in the 1960's that were directed by Italian directors and shot in locations in Italy resembling the American Southwest. Also, the re-ady availability of low cost spanish actors led to themes involving Mexico (Mexican Re-volution, Mexican bandits, border troubles, etc.) to be often used. There, now you can't say you never learned anything about other forms of media from me. And remember the last post I had with all the Lupe Fiasco shit in it? Good times, right? Anyway, this game has controls that re-ally draw you into the west, making it accessible yet also challenging. The dialogue also re-tains that spirit of the west and flows naturally. The characters are fleshed out without falling into the trap of being overly dramatized. I mean, this is a western dammit, not Shakespeare. We want guns and cool characters, not people going on about complex motivations for their actions.

*bang bang pow kaboom revenge blam blam ratatatata grimace* And it was awesome.

This game captures everything. The atmosphere, the pacing, the gunplay, the dialogue, the characters, everything is done right. For a genre as ripe with many of the things gamers love (the guns, revenge plots, cool characters, and streamlined story), it amazes me that there is only one game that has done it right. The best western game every made.

Hey you, down in front! Get out of the way!


There we go. Much better.

Yes, I am talking about Read Dead Revolver, not the over-hyped, wrongly critically acclaimed, and all around terrible attempt at a true western game known as Red Dead Redemption. "But Justin, how could so many people be wrong?" I'll tell you how; a little thing I like to call the Grand Theft Auto effect. Basically, after Grand Theft Auto 3 changed gaming forever (and there re-ally is no doubt that it did) Rockstar became one of the four kings of the gaming world.

Pictured from left to right: Bungie, Blizzard, Rockstar, Capcom

Like all of these companies, in the eyes of their fans, they can do no wrong...except for Crimson Tears Capcom. That game sucked. And of course, when a game from one of these companies inevitably comes out, critics get behind them in a big way. I find it interesting to see how mainstream game critics re-act to big budget releases as opposed to how film critics react. Either game critics are much more like their audience, or they're are much more susceptible to hype that film critics. I mean, look at the re-sponse a film like Transformers got. 57% on rotten tomatoes, but it made $709,709,780. Meanwhile, Red Dead Redemption gets a 95% positive response from game critics. But whether or not it is a good game isn't what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about whether it is a good western game. So, let's talk about what makes a good western.

Basically this. I mean, did you see that? He fell right into the grave, fuckin' a.

1. The character
The best character is one who is a simple character that plays into the traditional western stories; those driven by re-venge, moral ambiguity, or western style justice. So how do the protagonists of these two games square up?
Red Dead Redeption-John Marsten: Driven to confront and bring justice to his former gang members...because the government kidnapped his family, but re-ally he has a heart of gold and he re-ally doesn't trust those government boys who are coming into the west and trying to impose their laws on these good people who are doing just fine for themselves and blah blah blah Jesus Christ shut up! He fails as a Grand theft Auto character because he has a heart of gold and I feel bad tying women to train track. Not bad enough not to do it, but still, it's awkward. Every other Grand Theft Auto protagonist has either been straight evil or at least morally ambiguous, so running over someone's grandma is an allowable behavior. But god, every moment I am being re-minded that John Marsten really is just some guy trying to do some good in the world and save his family.

I should go check out that train. There might be some orphans who need me to go pick some flowers for them for a few hours to make them feel better.

As a western protagonist, he still fails. His backstory is waaaaaaaaay too complicated. The Mysterious Stranger is fantastic largely because the lack of a complicated backstory lets you focus on his actions. A western hero is defined by his actions. But all I ever hear about is his story. Instead of letting me get to killing things and saving people, I have to ride with some npc and talk about the evil government for ten goddam minutes. Speaking of which, I feel like Rockstar might be trying to get back at the government for all the negative press by being so anti-government in this game. Re-gardless, the point is John Marsten is not a good wetsern lead.

Red Dead Revolver-Red Harlow: Okay, first off, Red? Badass name dude. So, what's his story? Parent's killed when he was young, and grew up as a bounty hunter. Now, his present and past may coincide and help bring his parents' murderers to justice. See? That is a story of a great western. Everything else is re-vealed piecemeal and not harped on every 20 fucking minutes. Honestly, that is all you need to know. Now, I'm not even gonna get started on the supporting characters. Why? Because Red Dead Redemption's side characters are all cookie cutter. The snake oil salesman, the old guy, the sheriff, there just isn't much that actually tries. Red Dead Revolver has the British gunslinger, the Native American cousin, the guy with a freaking cannon arm! These are exciting characters. They still play into the western tropes, but are re-freshingly inventive.

Arm cannons are always cool. P.S. Megaman will pwn your ass in Tatsunoko vs. Capcom.

2. Music
Okay, one name. Ennio Moricone. Who is that you ask?

I have 733 entries on IMDB...bitches.

This is the face of Spaghetti Western music. You have heard his music. It has been sampled by the likes of Jay-z and many others. Like the characters, Red Dead Redemption's music just comes across as a bland attempt to meet the standards set by men like this. In fact, even worse. You can hear in the soundtrack that this is modern music trying to act like western music, and that is just kind of sad. It's like my ten year old brother trying to trash talk with people online on Halo 3. It just doesn't fit and comes across and awkward. Re-ally, just go to YouTube and listen to the soundtracks to the re-spective games. The proof is in the pudding.

It's okay m'am. I'm a detective. I'll need to take your pudding into custody to conduct my investigation.

3. Pacing
Oh lord, where do I start. Westerns, just like any primarily film based genre, need to have an entertaining yet succinct story. Red Dead Revolver played smoothly. I would play it for hours and not even notice. Everything flowed, and the story was always making me want to play just that few more minutes. And as much as I harp on a clean, uninterrupted story, the fact that there were several side missions only tenuously related to the revenge story were a short but welcome change of pace. At the end of the day, I felt that every moment was an essential part of the gaming experience and that it all meshed well with the story, like a perfectly executed dinner theater.

Gonna be honest. I just look for excuses to post pictures of food.

The problem with Red Dead Redemption is that it's just Grand Theft Auto, and Grand Theft Auto games are all about the sidequests and item collection. There is no way to balance a western story with a sidequest involving collecting fucking flowers for an old guy so he can give his arthritic wife a nice gift. But you know what the best part of Grand Theft Auto games are? Driving to nowhere and killing people along the way. You know what the worst part of Red Dead Redemption is? Trying to do the same thing and realizing there isn't a goddam thing out there. You ride through empty wastelands for 15 minutes to get to new towns and finally get to do something interesting. And of course, that breaks up the experience even more.

I only have one last problem with Red Dead Redemption. What is more western than the quick draw? You know, that thing based on speed? That thing where drawing quicker and delivering the kill shot is the most important thing? That thing where it makes no sense to try and fire all your bullets like they do in Red Dead Redemption?

Enemy of Lavos: A Love Story

I love Chrono Trigger. I mean, I REALLY love Chrono Trigger. And not just me, but damn near everyone loves Chrono Trigger, even if they don't know it yet. It is, almost without dissent, considered one of the best games of all time, and certainly one of the best RPGs.

I LOVE CHRONO TRIGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me talk about why Chrono Trigger was so amazing. I'm gonna break this down into six parts.

1. Music
Music is first? Why music? Isn't gameplay more important, or at least story since this is an RPG? They will come in due time. The fact is, the soundtrack to Chrono Trigger is fucking amazing.
Fun Fact: The soundtrack was mostly done by Yasunori Mitsuda, who was previously a sound engineer, and was overseen by Nobuo Uematsu of Final Fantasy fame. Uematsu took over for 10 of the game's 54 tracks after Mitsuda developed stomach ulcers because he was working so hard (damn!).
So, music. Start up the game, and we get a pendulum swinging with some atmospheric music playing. Nice set-up, but I'm not feeling wowed. But if you let it sit, the intro video comes up, with scenes from the game, credits, and, oh yeah, KICKASS THEME SONG! Seriously, this is the kind of music that gets your blood pumping. I love the very subtle opening of Final Fantasy VI as well, but once the main theme of Chrono Trigger starts going, you know this is going to be a badass adventure. It really sounds like the prelude to an epic quest to save the world. Oh, wait, did I say save the world? Sorry for the typo. I meant to say save the world, 3 freaking times! Most heroes call it quits after one time. Not Chrono's crew.

You thought you were down/Thought you were gone/Saw no heroes around/You felt all alone/But look up in the sky/See the Epoch fly/See us in everytime, everywhere/Save the world for you

But it's more than just the track, it's about the track coupled with the opening. Videogame music can be really amazing compositionally; the kind of thing you'd buy if it was on a cd completely unrelated to the game. I hate Twilight, but I like Solar Midnight, and it's so unrelated that I don't feel any sort of contradiction there. Sometimes the music just works well within the game; it fits so well that you hardly notice how much it enhances the experience. I'd probably put the soundtracks to killer7 and No More Heroes in this category. Now, rarely, you get videogame compositions that do both. But Chrono Trigger, man...It's really beautiful. The music is amazing, but it feels like it belongs, and soon the game and the music become inextricable. I hear the music, and I remember all the time periods, the characters, and the epic battles from the game, but it doesn't just feel like association. I associate Castelvania: Circle of the Moon with forests, my aunt and uncle, my grandma, and Final Fantasy bestiality pronz (you could ask, but then I'd have to show you pictures of porn and my grandma at the same time, which would probably lead to some uncomfortable associations involving boners).

Wark Wark!

The point is, association is different from being intimately connected. The music of Chrono Trigger is matched perfectly with the game world, which is what makes it so fantastic. Beautiful on it's own, perfectly crafted within the game, the music is simply a masterpiece.
I'm not gonna go on about individual songs, even if I want to; maybe some day, cause I really just wanna go off about Frog's Theme, Magus' Battle music, all the music in 12,000 B.C. it's all so amazing.
I should make a few last notes before moving on. One is that the songs are long; for game music of that time I mean. Games songs have to loops, unless it's during a cutscene. Maybe you get up to make a sandwich. Wouldn't it be weird if the music just stopped after 4 minutes? So, of course game music loops, but some people take advantage of it, especially in the old days. Make some beeps for about 20 seconds and then loop it, but not Chrono Trigger. Chrono Trigger doesn't fuck around with that weak ass shit. These songs are around two minutes before they loop.

This man is not one to fuck with that weak ass shit.

Lastly, this music is beloved by so many. There are several entire remix albums dedicated to this music, some official but many fan made. Aside from full projects there are countless remixes. OC Remix (which employs a judging system so not every entry is accepted) has 131 remixes just from Chrono Trigger, not counting their own remix album Chrono Symphonic. Okay, I've gone on about the music enough. Lets move on to gameplay.

2)Gameplay
At first glance, the gameplay seems pretty straight forward for an RPG, but there is some nice variety to mix it up. For one, at the beginning of the game you can choose between turn based battles or ATB (Active Time Battles). ATB basically means that time keeps going as you choose your moves, so even if it's your turn, taking time to pick out the moves gives the enemies time to attack. Another nice feature is the tech system. So, techs are basically special moves, and you get new techs by getting tech points from battling. The cool part comes in when you get dual and triple techs. What this means is, when you have gotten certain techs for two or more characters, you will learn a move that combines them, and as long as all included characters turns are up, you can do the dual or triple techs. Aside from that, the special moves are really cool, and go beyond the basic "cast fire", "super sword strike". The more unique ones come from Frog and Robo though. Oh, yeah. One of the characters you play as is an anthropomorphic frog knight from the Middle Ages.

Slice those fiends/Protect Cyrus' dream/Slice those fiends/Use the froggy slip-stream/Slice those fiends/My techs'll make 'em scream/Slice those fiends/My song's an old world theme, drums and flute sing

Now, this is where it gets tricky because, like all great games, Chrono Trigger's gameplay is very much interwoven with it's story. My favorite part of the gameplay is definitely the time travel elements. Oh, right. SPOILERS: They travel through time if you didn't get that from, you know, Chrono being in the game's title, or read any basic description of the game. But, returning to the point at hand, I love the time travel mechanics for one reason; THEY FUCKING MAKE SENSE. You know how time travel plots always seem so stupid, because the mechanics don't make sense? Well, play Chrono Trigger, because the shit makes sense. When you go into the past and change things, things actually change in believable ways. And sometimes, you have to go back to the past to fix the shit you changed in the first place so the timeline doesn't go bonkers. I'd put up a picture of Bonkers the cat/police officer here and make a comment about how as a kid I liked the bonkers game, but will any of you get it? No, no you won't.
Anyway, the point is the gameplay is fantastic, and honestly you need to play it to fully understand how well it works. That's about all I can say about it.

III. Characters
So, you have time travel. How can you make the best use of it? How about having characters from all across time. You want robots? Done! Fucking robots! Robots with lasers! Shadow lasers! "But Justin, shadow lasers? That makes no sense." Fuck you; fuck you with shadow lasers.

Pictured: Not shadow lasers, but the closest approximation of their awesomeness.

(note: Some physicists theorize the existence of dark matter and dark energy, so Chrono Trigger's shadow lasers may have been decades ahead of scientific progress, which makes sense because the robot comes from the future. That should have blown your mind.)

What else do you want? Knights? Forget that shit! Frog knights! Frog knights with magic swords and magic...magic, I guess. He can use water elemental magic...to the extreme!

What else is cool? How about scythes. You know who uses scythes as weapons? Death, from Castelvania. Yeah, the dude who was always the coolest boss next to Dracula. Now, give him a badass, dark, intense theme song. That's a start. Okay, now give him magic. No, you're doing it all wrong! You're sprinkling it on there like a timid chef who is afraid of making the potatoes too salty. No, you take that bag of magic and just empty that whole thing. Okay, we're getting closer. Finally, add a cape. Now take all that, put it in a bowl, mix the FUCK out of it, and what do you get?

PENIS! I mean, MAGUS!

Is this cool enough for you? How about a Caveman? Well, this was turning into a sausage fest, so they made it a cavewoman.

What's the problem with a sausage fest?

Now, granted, she is the strongest character in the game, and has a very sexy dom feel to her, but one thing always bothered me about the prehistoric people in this game. They speak English/Japanese depending on where you bought the game, but they speak it like a 6 year old who doesn't understand basic grammar. So, these people came up with a complex language which has lasted at least 65,002,300 years, but are too stupid to speak it correctly? What?

Why can't all cavemen be this studious?

Rounding off our cast are three heroes from the present. We have Lucca, the resident girl genius with giant glasses who uses guns and, eventually, laser guns. Also, when I say she has giant glasses, I mean these things can see the dark side of the moon. They are bigger than her head. She also has fire magic and bombs. Personally, she is my favorite of the female characters, even though I admit that Ayla would probably fuck like a tiger, quite literally in fact. But I really like that nerdy, smart girl archetype, so yeah. We also have Marle, the most useless character in the game, and by useless, I mean she is the healer, which is stupid because basically everyone in the game has one healing tech. The only reason for ever putting her in your party is because her dual techs with Lucca are cool. But really, she's stupid and a ditz and What Is Wrong With You Chrono! Lucca Is The True Love Of Your Life! Lucca/Chrono Foreverz! Clearly The Writers Didn't Understand Their Own Characters! Waaaaaaaaah!
So, rounding out our cast is, of course, the main hero Chrono, who continues the grand tradition of main characters who use swords. His was a simple life, living in the village of Truce.

I'm from a city in the northwest/best city in the whole wide wide world, hey/city in the whole wide world, hey/city in the whole wide world/ I got that go go go go go go go go go go Chrono flow

At the end of the day, the characters are imaginative, fun, and memorable. Everything any good fictional characters should be.

Four-Story
Honestly, I have nothing to say here. Everything you need to know about the story without spoilers has already been said by the gameplay, characters, and music, and that is what makes this game so fantastic. Everything just fits together perfectly and builds upon each other to make something that is much greater than the sum of it's parts, and it's parts were already pretty bitchin'.
Chrono Trigger. One of the best games ever. Fin.